…a brief glance…

After three years of BLOG hiatus, it seemed appropriate to pick up the art of Blogging at a time such as this.

It is barely April and what a year it already has been. At present we are in the middle of a pandemic known as Covid-19. Where the norm you have known, taken for granted is norm no more.

As of almost a month ago began the transition old norm to new norm. The new norm of everyone working from home. The new norm of self isolation and social distancing. How you realise very quickly what you have taken for granted. Something as simple as going to work, going to church, seeing family and friends. Even something as simple as going shopping is no longer a luxury anyone as the risk is much too high to make such a gamble. Whilst one can make it through the cycle of Covid-19, being a carrier and passing it on to someone else with a compromised immune system is much too high of a price to make it considerable thought.

The hardest thing is essentially not seeing the people in your world. Your family, your friends, work colleagues, heck at this point I even miss my gym instructors. In saying that, I am fortunate enough to be serving my isolation time at my sister’s during the week (to work from home) and going home to my own place for the weekend. When you’re a hugger, but you can’t hug!

I always thought I was an introvert and embraced it, but this is taking it to a whole new level.

Seeing as my last post was apparently three years ago, a brief update on what’s happened in those three years…

I left Employsure, sad to say goodbye to a few people and moved to another workplace. Which was a growing experience that has catapulted me to work towards finally pursuing what I feel that has always been in my heart is the industry I’ve always wanted to work in.

I finished up on the 3rd of January as though it was like any other day and started on the 8th of January and I am loving it. It makes such a difference in being surrounded by likeminded people and such a breath of fresh air to have people champion you and each other. It has been such an incredible blessing and answered prayer.

In other news: In no particular order…

• 

Then there were other weddings too…

• 

• 

Milestone Birthdays

• 

• 

• 

Travels happened too…

• 

• 

• 

• 

Then there were the Roadtrips…

• 

• 

• 

• 

There were key life moments…

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

And then it was 2020….

• 

• 

Then there’s a biggie… but that warrants a post on it’s own, so I will save that for the next one.

Until then…

…I never really write anymore, and if your strength has always been how you put things into words you feel a great sense of failure in not being able to form sentences, let along a series of sentences that go together coherently.  Can I pin point when it all began… absolutely! However it did take some time. In fairness, I guess I always knew it but it some ways I felt I gave it power if I spoke it out loud.  In the end, it was releasing to know what was keeping me from actually allowing myself to use my gift as I had been given it.

A couple of months ago marked the ten year anniversary of my Mom’s death. For some reason, this milestone, if one can really call it that was just as hard as the first. As the days neared my emotions were heightened and erratic. There were a lot of tears for reasons that did not warrant tears, but tears they came.

As siblings, we did as we always did…band together. It’s what we do, and it’s what we’ve always been taught to do. Through our differences, and annoyances of each other, one thing that never fails is that we’re there, front and centre for each other. It’s what we do.

As we neared that day, we planned for it. What were we going to do? What time? In our hearts however, I think we just wanted to see what it was going to look like. Preparation was a near end of the week trip to Costco, and if you know the Napiza trio you would know that Costco has the potential to be ‘Walmart circa 2003’. If you have been around us enough, you would know what that looks like.

As the night before reared, I coped by going to bed early only to wake up at that time. Like clockwork every year since. It’s like when you suddenly wake up from a dream with a start, your eyes open wide and for a moment every thing is clear and how you remember it to be. It’s a moment, a fraction of a moment, and then reality hits and you remember. Lately, while sadness lingers in that moment, there’s comfort and a sense of her presence there. That I will always have that moment where I got to be there as she took her last breath. That in that moment she’s reminding me that she’s still there, and that moment is ours.

Losing Mom, was sudden, heartbreaking, life changing and potentially soul wrecking but I was, and I am anchored in God and his perfect plans for my life. I may not always be gracious about it, and I may bang my head against the same walls and look to the heavens in frustration but I have never doubted where God was, whether I felt it all the time of not. I just knew he was there. That his grace covered me and all the things I did, and refused to do.

Let’s be real, the last decade has not been easy, and I have never felt more challenged and rarely equipped than ever before. It felt like everything was a battle all the time. I wondered why everything always had to be a fight. More often than not, I enviously looked on to others whose lives just seemed easier, and how the dreams in their heart got to be fulfilled, over and over again, and mine were just still that…dreams.

I would like to think I have learned much in the last year or so, and I learn repeatedly that life is not meant to be easy, that challenges come to not just me but to all. That it’s how we face those storms that determine whether we stand still in the rain or do we jump the puddles in our stride to get to the other side because we knew that it too shall pass. I’m still working on that.  I would like to think that I have learned not to make the same mistakes and that I catch myself in time before I go down a familiar winding road, that I have learned to stop and unpack before I get to the point of no return. Some days I do that better than others.

I’ve been learning lately that you can spend years investing in people, only to find out that they’re not going to be doing the yards with you. You learn to open your circles and realise that God has placed people in your life who want to not necessarily be at the front row of your life, (some do) but want to at least in the room. That it’s the people who bother to call you back, make plans, and actively touch base with you that are meant to be there. That you celebrate those moments, and not dwell on those who are no longer there and just be grateful that once upon a time, they were there once and that season blessed you.

I ended 2017 with a bang, in a rather multi faceted way. The night of the car crash was a night filled with doors meant to be closed and remain closed. The weeks that followed it felt like I was in a haze of just trying to gain back my footing. For days, and weeks the loud bang rang in my ears, and being in a car freaked me out…let along driving one.

However, when you have responsibilities and basically a party of one, very little time is allowed to wallow and you’re thrust into pushing aside your new found anxiety (to add to those you already had) and just pull your big girl pants on and deal.

So 2017 thus far hasn’t been the leap with arms wide and heart abandoned as I had planned, hoped and imagined it to be…but it has not been without its blessings. I feel that doors I had asked to be closed has been, in such a way that I can’t question it or take it back.

I recognise the seasons of 2016, in hindsight there were so many lessons I got to learn. God restored so much, he restored me. He has positioned me well, and I must remember that whether I feel it or not, he positioned me where I am meant to be.

I am incredibly critical of myself, in what I do and what my capabilities are. I often don’t see what others see. I know I am gifted. I know that God works in and through me. However, at the first sign of failure it devastates me and I feel a sudden panic like I am drowning at see with my arms flailing. I guess that’s in this years ‘unpacking’…

Last week, as I endured another sleepless 30+ degrees of heat without air conditioning I checked my email long after midnight and received an email that to be honest, rocked me to my core at the mere subject heading of ‘Mom’…I hastily opened it, scared to read what was inside it. My heart fell to the floor as the words ‘stage four’ seemed highlighted, bolded and underlined before my eyes. I felt for my friend on the other side of that email. Whilst it has been over a year since we had last spoken, and exchanged anything more that occasion based greetings our history came flooding in and it negated time and distance. In that moment we were back to Calvin and Hobbes, C & E for all terms and purposes.

Today, I know his life has been changed in a way where it will never be the same again. Today I know that he has felt heartbreak he has never felt before nor will again. Today he has to reconcile how to face a loss so great that it literally feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest whilst you’re wide awake. Today he has to realise that every so often he has to remind himself to breathe in and out, because today something so simple is incredibly hard, because today he had to say goodbye.

I have the fondest memories of the woman I quickly dubbed Aunty Jean, another South African Aunt I managed to acquire in my two years in London. Throughout the years, more often than not she was a third in local and transatlantic phone and Skype conversations. It would not be complete without her two cents, and then some. Mostly, at the expense of one person…and it was not me.

It was hard having those transatlantic whatsapp conversations this week knowing that she wasn’t well. It hit me tonight, that she will no longer be a third in those conversations.

I drove home tonight, and for the first time in awhile I felt the need to write without filters so here I am….

Much love to Aunty Jean, as she joins my Mom up in heaven. Chances are my mother’s already introduced herself to you. You never got to meet each other this side of eternity, but I sure am glad you’re getting the chance to meet each other now.

 

…the quick version is we went to Hawaii, I changed jobs, turned thirty eight, and crashed my car…HIGHLIGHTS! =)

The first months of the year were spent whatever little spare time planning Hawaii. flights, accomodation, things to do. My sister and I have the endless Viber conversations to show for it.

Several milestones were had this year…

This not so little one one turned thirteen

My eldest Godchild turned 16. She was taller than me at thirteen! >.<

Tita Pat turned 70

Hawaii was much too short but it was good to have a holiday in the midst of crazy of work.

The months after Hawaii proved to be interesting.

On the day of my birthday I took a call that would have me accepting a new job, literally a week later.

The job change itself, has been life changing. The support and culture is second to none, and I am learning so much. Best birthday present ever, and the timing itself was rather apt.

My team

to be continued….

Here’s an attempt to rekindle what was once so second nature. Not a day goes by that I don’t go…oooohhh I should write that down/blog that train of thought and obviously up until now that is a thought that has never made it to fruition. As I sit here getting my hair ‘did’ I am somewhat my own captive audience…So what better time to do something you have been putting off for years (you don’t get to judge Bipo) I’m still waiting for yours.

In my somewhat contemplative moments I do wonder at what point second nature became foreign and scary land…it took a moment but it is all coming back to me now…ahhh yes when it started getting me in trouble 🙂 When I realised I needed to start filtering…which at that point, was way too hard.

It’s hard to believe that it has been over ten years since I started this blog. Reading back through it was like visiting an old friend and reliving those moments again. The good, the bad, the down right heart breaking.

It is not lost on me the timing of rekindling ones love affair with putting thought to paper. It truly isn’t.

The last decade has been an adventure full of rise up moments. I can tell you now that I didn’t rise every time it called for me to rise.

Admittedly looking back I know there was a lost day, weeks, months that would probably accumulate to a year or so…if one is to be honest. The thing with trauma, grief, devastation and life altering moments is that the effects of it isn’t always immediate and rarely is it ever one off.

We lost Mum almost nine years ago and there are emotions that are still finding its way to the surface as though it was only yesterday to this very day. Whilst I am a ball of erratic emotions that has been grieving from day one, my sister I guess has never felt she had the liberty of being the emotional wrecking ball that is expected of the youngest. After all she is my mother incarnate. In looks, typical matriarchal middle child who looks out for and after everyone. She would be doing my mother proud. I know it’s only in the last couple of years has she felt the full weight of that grief and allowed it to come to surface…Though in saying that I doubt ‘allow’ would be the word. I’m sure if she could control it, she would still be trying.

We lost Dad three weeks to this very day. Ann and I had spent the evening catching up over Adobo, That thing called Tadhana and home made baked donuts…I had just gotten back to my Unit after walking her to my car when I got Ate’s call. Who in her typical Ate way asked if Anna was still there in sheer hope that it would soften the blow but alas she was already gone so asking me to sit down was her next best move.

It took a moment…actually it took several moments. Whilst I was there for every stage of losing Mom, Dad was different. Having heard that he was gone, the processing of that was a bit like slow motion and out of body. I remember Ate asking if I wanted her to come and pick me up and me saying No. I remember asking how Kuya was. I vaguely remember packing what I thought was my entire wardrobe to go to her place which is literally two minutes away…and if you were around during that time you would laugh knowing how many times I had to run back to my place in the days after because I was missing one thing or another. Navigating Dad’s death was different. He had been sick for so long and we had been in this journey for awhile that it was almost just as shocking that he was gone. There has been several trips to the hospital when we thought we had to say goodbye and he would always come out of it. The shock lay in that it was final. That there was no goodbye.

Like clockwork and lemmings the three of us…my siblings and I gravitated towards each other. The toughest part was having Kuya in Canberra when we got the news and having to wait hours till we were with him. We were like our own version of Voltes V but Voltes III which doesn’t make sense but in those moments it was instinct to feel the need to ‘Lets bolt in’…and there ladies and gentlemen is my childhood with an older brother.

Whether it was our upbringing or the multiple loss in our lives, making decisions and honestly breathing in those first moments was easier when my Kuya and my Ate were there. It may also just be the fact that I am the Bunso in the family.

It hit early that we were now indeed orphans and there was a weight to that I hadn’t fully expected. In all honesty there is a part of me that hasn’t quite processed that.

As always from the get go we were surrounded by our immediate support system…the ones whom from the get go…were there. Whom in the last almost ten years have been so ingrained in our lives that with or without DNA would be family. The faces who were with us in that tragic December night/morning at Liverpool Hospital have remained by our side to this very day. They have loved on us and supported us so unconditionally.

I didn’t know it then but I have certainly learned in the years after that Unconditional refers to only very few. So we are certainly grateful for those who have stood by us through the tests of time. Never judging, never hiding behind pretenses, just allowing us to stumble ready to cheer us on when we need it. There to not only celebrate our triumphs but hold our hands in the roughest of journeys…Or hand us a cocktails/wine…samesame 🙂

I suppose the hardest part about Dad passing was knowing he went alone. When we lost Mom there wasn’t a shadow of doubt that she knew we were there. That as she struggled to take her last breaths and my sister and I uttered our reluctant permission to let her go she knew and felt that we loved her. I wish I had given him at least that. As supposedly Daddy’s Girl I had failed much, but if I bear any regret…it is that. (There Kaye, I said it outloud. Thanks for letting me practice on you first).

I would like to believe in my heart that my Mom would have been there holding his hand in those last moments to ensure that he wasn’t alone and those who know my Mom would know that she totally would have been there. Showing that Unconditional love she unwaveringly had for him.

Well that is it for this first entry of 2015…peace out ?

After being in Blog hiatus for over six months, here I am. Though in all fairness I did write an extensively long one in April that was conveniently erased during system maintenance, which was rather convenient. Perhaps there were things there I wasn’t meant to really say out loud.

To say that a lot has changed in six months would be an understatement, it feels like the last few months has been this test of endurance, that at times I wasn’t sure I was going to survive let along conquer… but months later, I can safely say that all is well and certainly getting there.

I realised that last year was spent merely surviving each day as it came, that it was all about being able to just get up in the morning and just putting one foot in front of the other, and being seemingly okay, and put together. Imagine my surprise when I realised that whatever strength I hid behind had reared its ugly head because I hadn’t dealt with all that had happened all those months before. All of a sudden I felt lost and lacking of direction, dreams and ambition lost for a moment, that whatever faith I had anchored myself on began to waiver. After months of self analysis and working through my own brain, HUZZAH breakthrough has come. There were things I needed to work through in my own time and in my own way, and though I know there is some way to go and I will forever be a work in progress, I know myself a lot better than ever before.

I definitely think I am going to love being in my thirties… Val made me laugh the other day quoting from Suddenly Thirty referring to my upcoming birthday, ‘Thirty, Flirty and Thriving’, now I don’t know about the Flirty part, but I am definitely in the foot of thriving, slowly and surely.

So much has change in many months, relationships have shifted, expectations have altered and there are certain boundaries within myself that I have set and will not cross.

I have a great handful of girlfriends who in one way or another I am in touch with regularly, and they’re the ones I do life with. Some I see often, some not at all, but in some form or another they are a part of me. I have grown to learn the importance of my girlfriends, and the variety that each bring to my life. The fun, the laughter, the dinner dates, the chats… the retail therapy! You know who you are!

Tonight we celebrated my sister’s birthday… again! We celebrated last night (Monday) because I was working on Tuesday night (tonight). In the end, I ended up joining them at this dinner too. I came to my sister’s last night with every intention of staying the night, pre-empting an EMOTE session with my sister, as you do on certain occasions of your life that you long for your Mother. Unfortunately, after hanging out with the nephew, also known as Alex (the Kitten) King of ‘the DUMP’ my allergies kicked in. Eyes watery, face puffy, struggling to breathe without the wheezing, you name it, I had it last night. So we made a necessary trip to a late night Chemist, and because it was so bad, I took two instead of the one prescribed. Needless to say I was asleep a couple of hours later, therefore missing the moment, which was more than likely a good thing. Sorry Ats, I didn’t mean to abandon you last night.

Fully medicated, waking up this morning was a bit of a struggle and keeping awake throughout the day even more so. Violent allergic reaction or not do you think that my darling nephew kitten cared??? No, or course not. It gave him more of a reason to climb all over me and sleep all over me. All day that’s all he did. Bonding Schmonding, that cat knows he’s cute and he knows which suckers to use it on. So once again I am fully medicated. You gotta love it. I finally get a nephew and I’m allergic to him.

My sis and I have a joint birthday party on the 12th of July, and the exciting part is that my cousin’s from Melbourne will be there too. It’d be nice to have all of us together again. We caught a glimpse of how much we all missed each other when we went to Melbourne for Bernadette’s 18th in February. It’d be great to have all of us in one room again, along with all the craziness involved in that. It’ll be great to hang out with my nieces and nephew. I have made numerous trips to Melbourne in the last year and a bit, and it’s mostly to hang out with my cousins. I am back there again at the end of July with Jes as we are going to watch Wicked… yay! It’s safe to say I now know all the words to the Musical. I am sooo looking forward to it. I have a couple of weekend trips before South Africa, and it’s weird to see just how fast time has flown by.

Both the Brother and the Sister went away a couple of weeks ago, leaving me orphaned for about a week and a bit, leaving me to my own devices. So let me send a shout out to my girlies who kept me company throughout that week, the lunches, the dinners, the movies, the coffees, the talking, the shopping, I am grateful…. Thank you Tita Pat for picking me up, dropping me off, picking me up, and dropping me off =)

Having them not around just made me realise even more how much the three of us have grown as a Unit and to have one missing was hard enough, but to have both seemed just wrong. I’m glad they’re back.

High lights wouldn’t do it justice to all that’s happened these last few months…

At work I have transitioned into my permanent night shift roster, which hasn’t been too bad as I have at least regained some control over my schedule instead of the whirlwind it was jumping from one roster cycle to another. Being a night owl helps a lot… but as much as I am enjoying this place, it’s wearing thin. Customer Service is not my dream job. So I have decided to re-apply to my old course at Macquarie University, post grad in Special Needs (Intervention) 0-3yrs old. I was reminded recently as to where my heart truly was, and it certainly isn’t in finance having to deal with financially inept bozo’s ready to abuse you for their lack of brain activity.

For a moment I had considered a Working Holiday Visa to Canada, but the more I thought about it, as alluring as it was, it would merely be another form of escape, and I wasn’t up for starting all over again. I am finally enjoying myself, and settling back, beginning new friendships, setting down roots, making long term plans, etc. I remembered what I have known from the moment I made that decision to jump back on a plane home, that it was time, and this is where I am meant to be. At least for the foreseeable future.

I am extremely thankful for certain girlfriends, and one or two guy friends in my life that God has placed as guideposts and accountability partners, who are more than willing to listen to my bouncing off ideas, and question my motives if need be, for pointing out the direction to a road I may have forgotten I wanted to take.

This year is a big birthday year, I am turning thirty, Ate is turning thirty five and Kuya is turning forty, and to say not having Mom around to celebrate these milestones, well, it just goes without saying doesn’t it. The thought of celebrating your birthday when the person who birthed you isn’t there to share the occasion, seems wrong.

It’s hard to believe it’s the second birthday we’re going to celebrate that she won’t be there to cook pancit for long life, make tray loads of spring rolls. Be there to shop with for the birthday outfit. Stroll the malls for the sake of window shopping. But most of all, she’s not going to be climbing into my bed at midnight to wish me a Happy Birthday and stay there for a couple of hours before heading back to her own bed. If she was working or I wasn’t home, the midnight phone call will come through and more often than not it was her…it’s the little things. The care package from home when I was away…the list is endless.

Lately, I have been dreaming about her more and more and I realise it is the season, seeing as it is nearing our birthdays. Recently I dreamt of her, and she was so real that when I woke up and realised I had dreamt it all, I cried because for a fraction of a moment, I had forgotten it was real. That she was gone.

The month of July is crazy… I am off more than I am on at work, which makes for a good month I say =) with the extra couple of days I have off before the birthday celebration to hang out with my cousins, and the couple of extra days for Melbourne, and for the Sunshine Coast for Bek’s wedding, well I have two weeks in that frame where I work a full four day week. SCORE!!! I sooo can’t wait for WICKED.

So that’s it for me, I’ll try and blog more often, update all on the latest haps, but I make no promises. May was a whirlwind of events, as was June, and from what I can see, July will be too… oh well, that’s what makes it fun!

It’s been awhile since the entry. My last entry being just before the New Year, and it wasn’t for the lack of trying. I think I must have started ten posts in the last few weeks, and never got to finish them. Easily distracted, and just lack of inspiration I guess. So many thoughts not enough drivers.

Well I am please to say that we now have a new addition to the family… Mags, my Macbook. My companion and new best friend. We’re rarely apart these days. We tight! It is for her that I am able to write this blog whilst on the train home, which certainly makes the an hour and a half train ride worth it.

So what’s new in the New Year? So much, yet not so much.

I have to admit that I looked forward to the New Year with anticipation. It was like a brand new year. A new beginning. My Mom has been gone for over a year, and we have spent the last year surviving the worst moments of our lives, and not with a New Year ahead, it seemed like there was a promise of hope, a hope for a life less sad.

Not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my Mother, or that I don’t think of her. As I am sure it goes for my siblings and my Aunts. However as her first year anniversary passed, there was a sense of release, at least for me. I know that Mother would not have wanted any of us to live less than the life she had envisioned for us and was proud of.

Whilst it was great to see everyone on the regular basis, I felt it was time to cease the 11th family gatherings. So much has changed and continuing the, and I use the term loosely ‘tradition’ no longer deemed appropriate. I will always be grateful for the opportunity we had to hang out more often than we ever would have, but it’s been a year, and though the 11th will always be significant to my siblings and I, as well as the Aunts we too must move forward. The bonds created out of those monthly gathering will only withstand with those who embraced them for what they were, and not as obligations, therefore, those bonds will outlast the monthly get togethers we will no longer have. For those relationships I am grateful.

I feel like the last couple of months I have been forced to grow up, more than I ever thought possible after my Mother passed away, but in a way, it was like a gift from my mother. In the last couple of months, I have learned the importance of family, and how grateful I am for who I have around me. Wholeheartedly and sincerely. Who despite the craziness, has understood the deeper meaning of circumstances instead of taking them on face value. Who has stood by me, my siblings, my Aunts, who in the most important of ways have become our surrogate Mothers. There to listen to my daily ramblings, and what nots. Who take care of us so selflessly as though they were our own. I have learned I guess who’s who in my life.

As I sat at the dinner table at my sister’s place, with my siblings + 1 (my in-law). I knew that THIS was my family. From cradle to grave, my sister and my brother are the only one’s who are there for me without a shadow of doubt, without question…and it goes beyond the family obligations and bloodlines, yes that does have a lot to do with it, but my Mother had brought us up in such a way that despite our faults, annoyances with each other, the three of us will always take care of one another. That we as my brother pointed out on Sunday are a ‘UNIT’… I think at that point we all realized we are a UNIT.

Though my brother is not one for many words, his presence in my life is immeasurable. We have gone from co-existing in the house to a some sort of partnership that I always hoped we would grow up into having. He takes care of me in so many ways, and though I often joke that he is RAIN MAN (and he so is on so many levels) he is the brother that looks out for me, and for my Ats. That if we ever truly needed him, he would be the first to give every thing up to make sure we were okay. My brother, just like my Mother is the type who will buy you something you want because you want it if he can. That’s he go without buying something for himself to buy you something. He has a silent generosity that I have learned to appreciate in the time I have been living with him 24/7 for the last year and a half. Not to say he isn’t a pain in the butt on most days… coz he is! Begging for internet airtime is a common occurrence in our household =)

My sister has always been my partner…though she has the tendency to Baby me at the time demand I grow up (so much like my mother), she is the one I call first and always had. We are sisters in every sense of the word. When both of us are on the same cycle… look out! But aside from my mother, she has been my biggest supporter, encourager, and reality thermometer. Without her strength, and head for responsibility we would not have survived this year. She has taken full responsibility of everyone, just as my mother would (with the same bossy-ness may I add) and her intentions are always good.

The three of us have our own strengths, our own abilities that was nurtured as we grew up. Certain roles we grew into as a result. But the drumming of my mother’s voice of ‘Family comes First’ has resonated so deeply within our hearts…that it is what has enabled us to endure the worst year of our lives. Never would I have imagined how true my Mother’s words would be, certainly not when I rolled my eyes as she spoke them, but my how true they are. God gave us an awesome gift of a Mother who was in no means perfect and flawless, but she loved us with all that she could, and she imparted the most important lesson that will carry us for the rest of our lives… that it is only your family who stand with you through the deepest of valleys and highest of mountains.

Who would have thunk it? It stuck!

There are some people in my life that has long since transitioned into family, and they know who they are. For them, I am grateful. People who know which days are significant without being told, who are just there at the right time, who happens to have a radar at the most appropriate moments. Who are a part of my every day life in some form or another. Who know me.

There are also people in my life who for one reason or another, are no longer around. A part of me felt like I was mourning them too this year, but as the cliche goes, there are people who are in your life for Seasons, Reasons and Lifetime. For those whose season has passed, I thank you for what you had brought to my life.

2008 began with my beloved family standing in our front lawn watching the fireworks. As we had done for many years, with only my Mother as the missing piece. Though it was hard, the urge to cry had been reduced to a sad sigh.

The days that followed were full of hope. As the New Year had emerged, so did a lot my mindsets. I was and I am determined to make this year a different year. Last year was all about SURVIVAL, this year is about restoring old dreams, looking forward to the new, and just enjoying what it ahead. I know who I am and what I am not willing to stand for or compromise. I know who my family is and who my friends are. I know what I want, and I know that God has planted dreams in my heart that I have yet to acknowledge, and old dreams that I have been reminded. All I know is that I’m excited for the year ahead.

With a trip to South Africa, London and Greece in the pipeline, I cannot help but be excited. Not to mention a few friends from London are scheduled to visit only months apart from each other. So much to look forward to.

This year is going to ROCK!

that we survived the first year anniversary. i wish i could say the same for the aftermath of what had unfolded…but it all remains to be the proverbial elephant in the room *cooks shrugs her shoulders in acceptance*

after a late night on monday, none of us were exactly wanting to do anything extensive, therefore the trip to berrima was postponed for another time. we spent time at the cemetary and headed to the city to do last minute shopping with aunty esty, all of us present slipping in and out mentally thoughout the day. there was like an impending doom hanging over my head, and i’m sure my siblings, it was like that night meant it was real. for days we had all been living our own personal torturous re-enctaments of the events from the year before. emotions were erratic and highly sensitive.

as people began to arrive it was like being transported back to that first night of prayers at the house, and all the emotions seemed as fresh as they were that first night. the whole time i felt like all the walls were closing in on me and i couldn’t breathe. uncontrollable tears brought me back to a place where i didn’t want to be. everything hurt all over again. whatever we learned to numb over the last months had managed to strip away in that one night. like someone had ripped off the bandaid and realised that the wound was not completely healed as yet.

as selfish as it sounded, i didn’t want to do the formalities, and address anyone. i didn’t want to deal with anything and all i wanted to do was scream the whole time. for so many reasons, and no reason at all. even my siblings and i were all on separate pages that night, dealing with the day in our own way. there were endless responsibilities i threw up in the air that night in defeat. i should have been a better host. i should have catered to my mom’s friends, i should haves…. there are so many, and i just couldn’t. i just didn’t want to. with the excruciating pain of acknowledging the loss again and all the other things that came to pass, i just didn’t want to!

a major shout out to my posse who in their unfailing love were just there. despite how unreasonable, highly strung and sensitive i had been days prior, they were there front and centre. not only for me, but for my family. always a phone call away to run last minute errands. thanks guys. they were there to sit with me at the front of my house as i cried endless tears. the four of us huddled at the front of my house on the ground must’ve been a sight to see, but there they were. my friends, my sisters, heart and soul… for you guys i am eternally grateful. thank you for being there for me in every essence of the word, knowing what i needed and just being there. i don’t know what i would have done without you guys in my lifetime, this last year especially, as for that night…. i am grateful that god had equipped me with you guys who fight for me when i don’t have enough  strength to even stand up.

i can’t believe that it’s been a year. i have walked into her bedroom more times in the last week than i had the whole year in total, which in it’s own way was therapeutic, but i think the unspoken words of ‘we’re not ready to change anything in there’ has been established.

this year has been tough, in every possible way. we’ve all been forced to grow up in a way. in the worst possible way, and though we are getting there, there will always be the void that we will never be content in having. this past year has been about mourning and healing. as the year draws to a close, it feels like that there were so many things this year that i have had to mourn for. closures necessary and inveitable.

it was nice to have aunty esty here. as sad as the reason was. not to mention similarities between her and my mother sometimes left me pausing for a moment. especially when she’s walking around in her ‘duster’, socks, slippers and all. she makes the same noises my mother made, and during this period, it was almost comforting.

aunty esty attempted to cater to all our needs. she cooked meals, hemmed my pants, ironed clothes, all things that if my mother was around she would not have gotten away with. i know in her own way she was trying to make it less like ‘someone’ is missing. not to replace, but to ease the inevitable pain she sees through us.

we’re fortunate that our mother left us with our aunts…. both who have selflessly adopted us in addition to their own brood. especially tita pat who has spent most of this year making sure that my brother and i are surviving. providing the ‘mother-y’ things we may need. so to the both of you, we are grateful…. but you don’t need to worry about us so much anymore. we’re getting there =) surviving this year would not have been the same without you.

to my cousins who never missed an anniversary dinner/lunch and who are there at a drop of a hat if we need them. ate lei and cynt for consistently checking in. your phone calls and shout outs mean lots!

to my siblings who are walking the same torturous path of grieving… despite our differences and normal sibling tiffs, without you both, i would be lost. in your own ways you give me strength. you’re my guideposts. despite appearances, i lean on you both and look to you often for where i should be.

to the in-law, whom i don’t really see as often these days, yes yes my fault…. blah blah! thank you for the support you provide for the sibling in question. i know without you, said sibling would be lost. she draws her strength from you and for that i am grateful.

christmas is next week, and it so does not feel like christmas at all. perhaps it’s the circumstances that has now plagued this time of year, or the mere busy-ness of life. who knows. the tree is up and the lights have been hung, and the spirit cannot be found. perhaps it’s because of the void we feel. i certainly hate christmas shopping more than ever before, and realising that i will no longer be doing it with my mother anymore, makes it that little less appealing. our christmas season was always spent shopping together for everyone’s presents, christmas outfits, christmas feast, my decorating the tree and her watching and pointing at where i missed a spot. i even miss wrapping all the presents she would buy, which is something i grew to hate over the years. looking back, i realise just how much i did share with my mother, and i know how lucky i am that i had that. which makes it that little bit harder to know she’s no longer around.

what i want for christmas, more than anything else…. is for the tension to be dissolved. so many things were just blown out of proportion in the last week, and i can’t stand it. haven’t we all already lost so much? i know i have, and having to be in the middle of whatever this is makes me tired, frustrated and sad. sad that i managed to play a part in fracturing what is already a fragile dynamic. maybe it’s silly and childish to wish things as they were…. but they have to be better than what it has become.

*sigh*

so another sleepless night. which in all honesty is not at all uncommon these days. but what can you do. these last couple of weeks have been tough. for all the obvious reasons. my closest friends can atest to my emotional turmoil, as they have pretty much had to deal the brunt of it all. gotta love that about friend’s who’ve known you forever. they, who recognise the deeper part of the ‘unreasonable’. without judgement, without question. so thank you. you know who you are.

this weekend was tough. it was busy with gatherings and events, but the sense of sadness and loss plagued every minute. as each moment there was an opportunity to say, exactly this time last year…. it’s one of those self inflicting torture one inflicts on one’s self when one is sadistic. it’s like the sore you have that you can’t help but poke poke poke.

we had a gathering at my Ats house on sunday, which perhaps on hindsight on her behalf was great… as i didn’t have to relieve the whole thing in my head at home. but who was i kidding. who were we all kidding. as much fun as it was to be hanging out at the new house, there was a sense of escapism we were all seeking. which would explain why it was a little hard to go home that evening.

yesterday was the official anniversary date of the accident. my sister and i took the road most traveled of retail theraphy in hopes of providing distraction…which was futile, as we both knew what it was we were doing, and what is was we were running from.

putting the lights up took awhile to jumpstart. plain and simple, it sucked. seeing as i remember so vividly the year before. the laughing and the tragic events that followed.

5:53am – this time last year my sister and sat by my mother’s bedside at the hospital clinging to her physically for we knew the inevtaible was moments away. i remember how each breath she took, we held our own breaths, wondering if that were the last one she was going to take. i remember looking at my sister as though i was asking her, begging her to tell me that ‘that moment’ we were having wasn’t real. that it was a dream. that she was going to pull through, that we spent the whole night in the hospital but everything was going to be okay. but as i looked at her, her face mirrored the raging need for postive affirmation that everything was going to be fine. even if we both knew it wasn’t, and will never be again. after all that is our mother.

6:01- this time last year, my mother took her last breath. our whole world shifted, if not fell apart.

i vaguely remember the hours that passed after. which in hindsight is a good thing. i remember looking at my sister horrified. then having my brother walk in only moments after, just missing her. the guilt that i felt that we sent him home depriving him of those last few hours with her. having to tell tita pat. i remember placing my head beside hers and just hugging her so tight, even though i knew she was already gone, as though my holding on to her so tightly would bring her back. but it didn’t. i remember the sun was just coming up. i remember every single person in our immediate family standing in that hospital room for hours, in our own way, saying our goodbyes to the whatever remnants of my mother lingered in that cold room. i remember the nurse finally coming in to tell us that someone was coming in to take her away. i remember the panic and rage and sense of loss overtaking me, and i remember the distinct howl that left my mouth. it just couldn’t be… but it was. i watched from the foot of the bed as each of my cousins said their goodbyes. watching tita pat say goobye to her was probably as hard as having to say goodbye to her. when they were done, the three of us looked at each other not wanting to go first. i guess the quicker we did it, the quicker it would be over and we weren’t ready for that. but it was time, and we had to. ate went first, and i followed. it seemed important to let kuya be the last one to asy goodbye, maybe because he wasn’t there for the last few, who knows. all i remember is not wanting to let go, and practically having to be pried away from her despite the fact that i knew she wasn’t really there anymore. my brother led us out of there, and as a unit, we walked away from her room knowing that would follow were going to knock as off our feet. more than it already had.

 the days that followed were as blurry as those first hours. snippits of it come and go in my memory. for the most part i don’t want to forget, at the same time, i would love to.

a year on, and as hard as things are at times, we’re getting there. we got through the first of everything that she missed. birthdays, moments, etc. to say that i miss her daily would be an understatement. there’s not a day that passes that i don’t feel the loss of my mother, and how there is an irreplaceable void in my life that i cannot fathom. but as we have begun to move on and perhaps even heal, we need to keep moving forward. we owe her that.

today we’re going to the cemetary, then on to berrima, then prepare for tonight’s gathering. it’s going to be one of those nights…  

…i, along with everyone else in our immediate world knew that this month would suck. that the first few days of december would be excruciating. it certainly provides comfort having aunty esty around, and having the family together almost as often as we did almost a year ago. except, it does suck.

…so we celebrated our very first ‘all saint’s day’ in sydney. how much does it suck that it’s for our mother? a whole lot.

it’s been one of those weeks at work, where it’s hectic and chaotic, but i still love it. at the same time it’s almost been a chaotic week in every other aspect, but hey it’s all part of the fun i guess.

we went to green valley for the usual pho fix before heading to the cemetary for the blessings. it seemed that we arrived just in time as the moment we stepped out of the car father nards went on his way, holy water on hand. after a quick blessing and polite exchange with RAC we were left to sit around the pascual/napiza/skuse/taylor memorial estate. there we sat for a little while, catching up, we pulled out our secret santa’s for this years Christmas Exchange. i felt the need to have it at the cemetary as last year when we started the new tradition, my mom was still there and it felt only right to still share the moment with her.

with the anniversary coming up, the inevitable talks regarding what to do with her room, her clothes, and belongings have been raised. reluctantly and non commingtingly from my part. at some stage i know that i’m to move into her room, but if i do that means her smell will be gone, and i don’t know if i’m willing to part with the little comfort that brings me when i need to sense her. as unhealthy as that may sound.

the last couple of weeks, i have felt her absence more and more, perhaps because the anniversary is fast approaching. every time i am in the car with my brother on the way to some place, i am reminded that it’s only us that are left. when we go shopping and we come from from somewhere, i feel her absence all the more stronger. though the three of us are surrounded by our family, whom we would be lost without, i distinctly feel like an orphan. for as long as i can remember, my mother was the one parent we had, and losing her, was like losing the one person that loved us simply because we were hers. and despite all of our short comings, she loved us, and knew us. she knew who we were and what our needs were simply because she was mum.

it’s hard to fathom that she’s been gone for almost a year, that she’s gone! that life has had the audacity to go on without her. with a year just around the corner, i know that a lot of chapters have to be closed if we are to move forward, we’ve survived almost the first of everything. mother’s day, our birtdhays, her birthday… the only thing left is the first anniversary of that horrific day and the day after that sealed her absence forever. i dread putting the christmas tree up, as it was our thing. how she loved christmas and the fact that all of us would inevitably be under one roof during the season. i loved that i shared our traditions with her. by december she would be throwing hints at me to put the tree up, and have that singing santa claus out for the season singing ‘jingle bell rock’ incessantly till we’re so sick of him that we’re borderline ready to throw him out.  i remember how much joy she got out of that annoying thing the moment i brought it home from my days at target many moons ago. every time i would put the tree up she would be close behind, watching… pointing, directing to where she would like what where. last year’s memory still vivid in my head…

she finally got me to agree to put the tree up after apparantly years of not having a tree up in my absence.  we had the christmas music blaring (and it was barely december), she was in the other room, cleaning the bathroom, coming in every so often to check on my progress, we ordered pizza and after a couple of hours we sat there to inspect the finished product. as usual she tweaked and as she pleased. she loved the christmas lights on the trees, and often put them on just for her enjoyment.

usually the christmas season means shopping with mom for everyone’s present. shopping for outfits, and food for christmas dinner. there was none of that last year. for some reason she was putting off buying christmas presents, which she normally purchased well in advanced. i was looking forward to my first christmas back in sydney, it had been years since the last one and i had not been part of the normal traditions for the last couple that i was actually looking forward to it. instead… well we all know what instead was.

i don’t know if i can put the tree up this year… or in any forseeable future. christmas was her thing, and she sucked me into it, and i can’t imagine putting that tree up without the usual inspection, without the commotion of getting the tree from the garage and rilfing through decades old ornaments, having the christmas carols blaring, and let’s not forget singing santa.

i’m looking forward to aunty esty coming, hoping that ninang bibu and tita rory can come too. it’s such a sad reason to come together, but i know she would love it. that we would all gather together, for her. aunty esty coming will bring much comfort, and it means a lot to all of us that she’s coming. it goes without saying, that no one really understands all the little things aside from us, all of us that were so connected to her, all of us who were there that night sitting in vigil waiting for the inevitable. no one else understands how the smallest things sets us off. no one else but us understands the sudden quiet disposition and sadness in each other’s eyes when we remember. how the most painful moments bond people together.

last week was a tough week, for more reasons than one… with december just around the corner, i cannot help but feel apprehensive. it scares me almost to face the one year anniversary. for reasons i cannot even explain to myself. but… we must move forward… it’s what she would have wanted.