elis

To say that the month of July was a whopper would be an understatement. I was approaching July with a nonchalant attitude of my upcoming 31st birthday, after all, 31 was just another year and it was the year my friends and I agreed after a huge blow out on out 30’s that this year, it would be low key. No fuss, no biggie. That was the plan.
As June drew to a close I had noticed that my childhood posse and I seldom saw each other and that we were all experiencing a need to just chill, relax and just enjoy in each other’s company. We were all at the ends of our ropes wanting a change, needing a break from the norm that had become our lives.

July came and started with the conference, 4:30 wake up calls were less than to be desired for, but there was an expectation in my heart, that something was stirring, and there was preparation for something, what, I had no idea.
Conference was an experience, an experience that completely challenged me and changed my perspective, about many things. It made me question and re-enforce what I was doing and who I was doing it for.

Conference finished and I was exhausted, physically, mentally, and spiritually. For once, I was home early from church, not hanging around as what had become the norm, and I started baking, a somewhat therapeutic pastime I have picked up. At ten that evening, my world was shaken in a similar and traumatic way that it was less than three years ago.
I received a phone call that left me shocked, distraught and devastated…Ate Nora had passed away unexpectedly at the age of 41.

Ate Nora, when I look back on my late teen years and early twenties, there was not one event in my life that did not somehow include Ate Nora and her family. As Ate Rose’s sister, she had adopted me from the moment go, and welcomed me so lovingly into their family fold. As the youngest in our family, she referred to me as Bunzi, as I grew up side by side with her children, I was the ‘panganay’ (eldest) which earned me the reigning title of ‘Ate’ (older sister) to her kids instead of ‘Tita’ (Aunt) which I technically was.

When I was asked to do her Eulogy, I wasn’t quite sure if I held the right to do it as in the last couple of years, we seldom saw each other, and sporadically spoke on the phone. As I moved away and came back, as I grew older, things had changed, but the one thing that never did, was her promise that regardless of time, distance, and frequency that we saw or spoke to each other, that my place in her life, in their family would never change, that I will always have a place. As I found letters we exchanged so many years before, it was a promise that she started with, and it was the one she ended with. I don’t know if she truly knew just how much having her in my life had meant to me.

Saying goodbye was truly difficult and there are moments when I think it was all a part of a dream. I can’t believe tomorrow it will be a month, it seems cruel that life has the audacity to move on even after we lose those we love so much. It’s like you’re stuck in a bubble where you’re screaming and no one can hear you, and no one quite gets it.
Losing Ate Nora was like losing my Mom all over again, in that realization that she isn’t there for me to turn to at such a time. How she really isn’t here anymore, if that at all makes sense. In the last few weeks, we lost Ate Nora, I ended up with a Swine Flu leaving me confined to my bed and couch for two weeks, we lost Tito Nedy, and Nigel’s Mum.
As I look at Nigel, my heart breaks for him, as it did for Alvien, Nyssa, and Aleissa. No matter how much anything hurts from that moment on, nothing hurts as much as losing your mother, for she was the one who gave birth to you, and knew you from the moment she knew you existed in her womb.

In these last weeks I have never wanted my Mom as much as I have recently. As I question my own strength and coping mechanism, I wonder if I have truly learned or grown in the last three years. Surely, falling apart shouldn’t come so easily. Surely, I had gotten stronger. Surely this overwhelming feeling of floundering that was once so familiar will pass.

I know that my Mom will forever live on, and as that darn Josh Groban song goes, she will always be ‘my forever love’ and she is watching from heaven working side by side with God, some days that’s enough, and other days, not so much.
I press on to God as hard as I can, for I know it’s all I can really do and simply trust that this valley will pass. The last few weeks have frightened me to no end, the road seems familiar and I swear I’ve seen that tree before. So I hold on to what I know, firmly and definitively, God, my family, my friends. I trust whole heartedly in God’s plan and pray that I am co-operating as I am supposed to.

Has it truly been over six months since I last posted? Weird. I always have these random thoughts and think to myself I should blog, and the whole thought always seem so daunting that I never begin. Talk about pressure!

So this year has been in an essence, CHAOTIC, but somewhat with direction… I emphasize on the somewhat there. Along with the definitive confirmation that I am to stay in Sydney and plant my feet, I have also picked up Bible College, which was a lot harder to do than I thought it would be. Then again I was stupid and decided to take a full semester load while juggling nightshift and the basic chaos that is my life, but I know better for next semester. It’s all about lessons learned I say.  I like learning my lessons the hard way it seems… “hmm that tree looks familiar”

A lot has changed. Dare I say even I have (in some ways and in others, not so much). It feels like the last six months have been about closing doors to seasons well passed, and setting boundaries where there clearly wasn’t one before. Getting my answers and confirmations seem to take less time, even if my action time is just as slow. See some things never really change.

Mom’s death Anniversary passed somewhat quickly, kind of like ripping off a band aid kind of thing. We find that the 10th is a lot harder than the 11th, even if the 11th is hard enough. The siblings and I tend to keep to ourselves on the 11th and just hang. It is then I remember the bond that exists between us. The way we unconsciously gravitate towards each other, is comforting more than words can possibly express.

The 10th was spent at home. After a somewhat emotional beginning to the week, I knew there was no way I would survive a week at work so I asked for the 10th and the 11th off. Thank God, they said yes. I guess a blubbering emotional creature is hard to say no to. A friend had taken the day off from work to keep me occupied during the day time, and endless DVD’s entertained me in the evening. My darling brother was away in Adelaide, so it was me, myself and I at home. Had I thought about it, I probably would have organized to stay at my Ats as we were up chatting on Skype till 3 in the morning anyway.

On the 11th we were late to Mass, and I am sure my mother was rolling her eyes as we made our way into the Mass service minutes away from it finishing. Afterwards we hung out at Tita Pat’s for awhile before heading to the cemetery where the graves were being blessed. It was miserable rainy day, and we stood there in the pouring rain awaiting Father John. The weather expressed how I guess we were all feeling. Dreary!!

After the cemetery my Ats, Ate Lei and I made our way to the airport to pick up Brother. Having Ate Lei with us that day was comforting, and she certainly brought humour to a potentially unlaughable day. I declare thee BBJ (BiBuJnr). We went to the mall in search of Christmas Lights to replace the ones my Mother loved dearly, but was potentially a fire hazard. Finally after numerous trips here, there and everywhere, we went back to the first store we hit. Along with lights we ended up with Rudy (the inflatable Reindeer that is now part of the family, not to mention the fact that Ats and Ate Lei have joint custody of Rudy). We also ended up with a Santa Bubble Blowing Machine whose noise is too loud and obnoxious, but he’s fun all the same.

There was hesitation in me to put the tree up. A part of me wanted to put it up on my own, while the other didn’t want to put it up at all. For a moment, I could almost forget and await for my mother to pop up from nowhere pointing out whether or not I have missed a part or she thought a certain ornament was out of place. In the end, the tree went up, and I did a lot of stringing, while Sue and Glenda put the decorations up.

At the cemetery as my sister and I were left alone to say our goodbye’s there was a strong whiff of my mother’s favourite smell, sampaguita. Which isn’t exactly a common smell in Australia, but there it was. It was comforting to know she was there. Though I often dream with her in it, but this was different.

Christmas plans are under negotiations. I am working Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years Day, all shifts finishing at 10, which pretty much sucks but what can you do. I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas, where the siblings and I just get to hang out together, as we have grown accustomed to the last couple of years since Mom’s death. Christmas and New Years is particularly hard as my Mother was a huge Christmas and New Years person. The shopping for presents, preparing for a Christmas Feast at our house, family night New Years Eve with the banging of Pots and Pans as it hits midnight and watching the fireworks from the front lawn. Needless to say the siblings and I have a tendency to take comfort in hibernating together. It’s become a tradition, and at a season where there is very little comfort, our being together is comforting. Doing nothing together, just hanging.

My brother and I are driving my Dad to Melbourne come Boxing Day evening so that he can visit with Tita Nene who is coming to visit. Seeing as he is currently on dialysis it is a little disappointing that he was expected to catch a train for twelve hours. The man can barely sit up for a couple of hours at a time but it’s okay for him to catch a train. A plane ride is somewhat out of the question as he needs to cart around his dialysis. Admittedly I am a little angry, no let me rephrase that, I am a lot angry that they would even allow him to entertain the idea of taking the train. Even if he offered, and I am sure he did.  But has anyone thought for a moment how hard that would be for him to travel? I am not angry about having to drive him, seeing Ate Alma, Ate Gigi and the kids will certainly be a plus. After everything we have been through, and how much they’ve just been there for us, seeing them is always something we look forward to. What I resent is the almost expectation that we will do the right thing, that despite the fact that this season for us is hard enough, we will drive for almost twelve hours to drive my father to Melbourne, because our Mother brought us up right. Where does the line of selfishness get drawn? If finances were an issue, fine we will make some way to buy the ticket if need be. There seems to be this idea that just because we grew up here, and we are working that money comes easily. Everything we have, my mother worked for. What she instilled upon us, we put into practice and we all work hard. We have a house, we each have a car, and we have things that I know we are lucky to have, but to think we have not worked hard for them, and that they came handed to us in a platter, makes me mad. Each of us have been working since we were 16, we worked and went to school full time. When we got home, we were still expected to lift our weight, yes my mother shouldered most of the housework, but she had set expectations and responsibilities for us at home too. My mother worked three jobs to provide us with everything we need, in turn we learned to work just as hard. Both my brother and my sister practically live in their offices. Ate manages her own business as well as work full time. She is constantly tired and lacking of sleep. Wherever the perception of glamour came from when it comes to our lives, is sorely misguided. I am on a stinky train at all hours of the day in the night depending on what shift I manage to land that month. I pull overtime every chance I get, not because it’s fun, but because it’s necessary. We live comfortably, but everything has a price. As siblings we have limited time together. My brother and I live in the same house and we are like two ships passing most of the time. Yes we grew up here, and yes we have managed to do well for our lives, but how dare anyone think for one moment that we lived a life or silver spoon privilege.

Since Mom died, I’ve had to learn a few things. Certain knowledge I could have done without. Perceptions were lost and it became clear very early on who was really there for us. Who truly cared for us, and had our best interest at heart. Hard lessons to learn when you’ve held people up so high on a pedastle and they don’t even bother to get in touch with you when your mother dies.

I have at least a week to pray hard for an attitude adjustment, because at this point I am so angry and disappointed that I may actually reflect it.

I miss my Mom, and the last thing I want to do is be in a car worried that my insomniac brother will end up micro sleeping as we drive such a long distance. All I want to be is at home and I hate that even though we have a choice, we really don’t.

It’s not my Dad’s fault, he wants to see his sister and that’s fair play. I have my own siblings whom if I’ve been separated from for years I would love to see in a heartbeat. I know what that feels like. The man’s in the middle of dialysis, and yes we all still have issues with him, but at the end of the day we would not want any harm come his way. So I find it hard to believe and quite frankly I am disappointed that he would be allowed to consider such a foolish idea. Even if we are driving him, he’s not going to be comfortable being in a confined space for twelve hours. Was it too much to ask to maybe think outside the bubble in which one lives?

I realize what worms I will open should this blog find it’s way to certain family members, but this is my blog where my personal thoughts reside, and I shouldn’t have to filter, and I won’t.
…which is why I am removing all alerts from now on…

I am looking forward to spending time with the family, my Posse and Boyfriends. I wish my Mom was still around to drive around the neighborhood with to check out all the lights, prepare for Christmas with, and just be around. Tita Pat and Aunty Esty are great to have and they have certainly adopted the three orphans as their own, but it’s not the same.

I am thirty years old and I want my Mommy!

i always thought, in the back of my mind that somehow, it would be easier. after all, it is the second year. i quickly realised as this last weekend drew to a close and the memories began to already haunt me, that i was wrong. in a lot of ways, it is worse this year than it was last year. perhaps because we were better prepared last year, and there was planning to be done, while this time around, there’s nothing. just memories, flash backs. the worst moments of your life on a torturous repeat playback.

I was sitting here for a few minutes trying to come up with a title, and nothing was coming, so I thought I may as well just dive right in.

Its nice to be back home. The trip was awesome on the whole, for reasons I could only appreciate in hind sight. To be in South Africa was something I would never have thought or ever imagined I would do, and to be there with friends and see Tamsin after a couple of years, made it all the more special. I remember stepping out of the doors and the first person I saw was Ashe, and my eyes quickly discovered Mei, Dani, and Shirley. Greeting each other certainly was kodak moment. It was great to be able to share Mei’s special day with her, even if it techincally was her second wedding! =)

Being back in London, and being back at church, it felt like I never left. It was still ‘Welcome Home’, but as I disembarked that plane at Heathrow that Monday morning, I knew it my heart that my season in London was over. That in some ways, it will always be home, for all that it represented in my life, but it no longer was where I was meant to be.

It was so nice to see old friends and old faces, and meet new ones. Visiting old stomping grounds for the sake on sentimentality brought comfort in many ways, for I think I knew in my heart, I was saying goodbye to a huge part of me. Now I know that it’s not the last time I will be in London, and certainly if the plans for Greece with the girls actually comes to pass, I would more than likely pass London, but this trip I felt was about closing doors that needed to be closed. Walking through Leicester Square brought me back to many memories, from movie Saturdays ‘Hillsong Life’, to Ben & Jerry moments. Shopping at Picadilly Circus, Oxford Street and Bond Street. Strolling Covent Garden… discovering amazing things like ‘Candy Cakes’ … how fun was that afternoon Crystal? Being back at church… it was like a present from God. Being able to close seasons and chapters of my life the way I got to. Not to say it was at all easy, and it certainly wasn’t. I learned many things I could have gone on not knowing. Although I had fun, I have to admit that each day was hard in it’s own way. Like something was hanging above my head, something I could not control. Like this feeling that everything was a fight, but you didn’t quite know why.

My Mom’s birthday fell on Conference Night, coincidence? I think not. I was distracted on and off throughout the day, and the significance of the day didn’t hit the fan till that night, and it hit full force. Though my sister and I had the talk the day before as it turned midnight in Sydney, and I had anticipated how hard the day would be, it hit me like a ton of bricks just as we were finishing up conference that evening and escalated when we got home from conference. I have never felt so far away from home before. Being in London could almost give you that false pretense that nothing had happened, and all was the same as when I was last there, but I knew it was. I knew that when I got off that plane in Sydney, my mother would not be there to greet me as she was last time. As my token ‘boyfriends’ talked me off my proverbial ledge that night, I realised that although it was always going to hurt, it was slowly getting better. That for the most part, we have all made our peace with it, in our own way. That it was okay to have a hard moment, especially on certain days. I could see where a bandaid was placed where an open wound used to be. Though there are scars that will never heal, looking at those scars will one day bring comfort from what one has been delivered from. Not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my Mother, there are days, and though they are few and far between, there are days when it doesn’t hurt so much that she’s not around. Then there are days when it hurts as much as it did almost two years ago. I think we’ve all learned to manouver those days to the best of our ability.

I realised that as I went through the front door today, as my eyes fell to the place where the worst image in my head was taken, it was never going to be erased from my mind, regardless how we all try to avoid using the front door. So, as of today, I am no longer afraid to use the front door. That my memories, though at times I fear they are fading, outweighs one memory I have been so afraid of for so long.

i know, i know…

i’ve been travelling for weeks now and no email. aside from the limited, close to no internet access, i do not have everyone’s email address on my dopod, which is where i am doing most of my communicating. sorry!!!!

so south africa was a whirlwind… but an experience all the same. it was great to see tam and ashe again. being in south africa itself was surreal. to be in kruger park was such an amazing experience. mei looked absolutely beautiful on her wedding day, and as only mei can pull off, she giggled all the way through her vows.

we spent a couple of days by the beach. a minor tan was achieved, but my legs remained casper-like. cest la vie! =)

i’ve been in london for a few days, and it’s been a great catching up with friends and seeing old faces.

more update later….

To say that the month of July was eventful, would be an understatement. What was to be a month long of celebrations, didn’t quite pan as expected.

On the 12th of July my sister and I had our combined birthday celebrations, which turned out to be more for my 30th than our combined celebration. Special occasion are always difficult, knowing that a vital presence will always be missing, and that from that fateful day in 2006, my mother would never be a part of any occasion, regardless how big or little the milestone. That thought in itself makes one not really want to celebrate. For recognition of the occasion only brings forward what you learn to force out of your conscious mind, that she is gone. My sister, being the Ate and doting older sister that she is, made it a point that my 30th was celebrated, and with a bang. We often joke it’s because she feels sorry for me, because I am almost an orphan, but truth of the matter is, I know she was trying to fill a void. For which I appreciate. My cousins, cousin in law, nieces and nephew, came up for the occasion, and words cannot describe what their presence meant. Ate Alma and Ate Gigi were a huge part of our childhoods and having them such a huge part of my adulthood is something I cherish. Our families have remained close knit, loyal and ever present. It remains true and unshakeable. The day of the party had it’s hitches, but all in all it was an incredibly awesome day spent with those closest to me. People in my life, whom in the last few years have remained. Some were new, and some were old, but each person I had invited and were there was and is significant in my life, each a part of the journey of my thirty years, whether for decades, years, or months.

The weekend of my birthday was spent with my girlfriends, an impromptu moment had us at a friend’s house for a much needed, somewhat ordained get together. The very next day Jes picked me up for a well planned evening with Ann and Mer. They had planned a weekend of Posse Fun, an evening I later found out they had planned for a very long time. It was great to be with them, and just be me. Over a decade of friendship gives much licence. Spoilt, doesn’t even come close to describe all that was planned, not just by the Posse, but by other friends also. I was blessed and I know it.

Unfortunately, a couple days after my birthday, my grandmother who was taken to hospital that Friday, passed away in her sleep, at home, where we were all convinced she was going to pull through as she always did before. I remember clearly coming home from Night Shift that Wednesday morning, excited and packing for my upcoming weekend in Melbourne with Jes, and I couldn’t sleep. When I finally did, I got the call from my sister to tell me to drive to Tita Pat’s house because Nanay had passed. There was a moment of disbelief and it certainly did not immediately register. When I got off the phone, I jumped in the shower, shocked, literally shocked. It felt like everything went on slow motion and I remember in the pit of my stomach all I could feel is ‘not again’.

I love my grandmother, my earliest memories of her include her taking me to school in kindergarten, and later on after we moved here to Sydney she used to wait for me on the other side of the crossing after school finished so we could walk home together, and when we got home, there was always a snack waiting for me. As all mother’s do, when my grandmother knew you liked something, she either bought it, or cooked it repeatedly till you were so over it. I know it was one of the ways she showed us her love. My grandmother, though loving in her own way, wasn’t your huggable granny, she was often ‘makulit’ and had that stern look in her face, but she was my grandmother. I guess the hardest part of having to say good bye to her was the fact that she looked exactly like my mother in those last moments as we said good bye to her. I felt so guilty that as I tried to mourn for my grandmother, all I kept having were flash backs of almost two years ago when were making the same plans, same decisions for my Mom. One of the worst memories I have isn’t an image, but a sound, and that is the rustling of the body bag as they came to take my Mom away. Therefore you can imagine my heart on the floor as they came to pick up my grandmother from the house. Not only could we hear that familiar rustle, but seeing her being brought out, was like a nightmare unfolding.

My grandmother has been unwell since 1996, after being severely burned on a third of her body. We didn’t think she would make it back then either, and they prepared us for the worst, but after a lot of care, she pulled through, proving what a strong and stubborn woman that she was. For the next 12 years there has been multiple scares, moments when we were told to be prepared, and we were. So you can well imagine our disbelief when she had passed away.

For the days that followed, arrangements were made. Aunty Esty flew down from the States once more. Sr Adele was also able to come, accompanied by Tita Elsie and Ate Ellen, who certainly brought the support needed and much appreciated. Those days prior to the funeral just passed as a blur. I dreaded the prayers in the evening most of all, as it felt like a de ja vue that I wasn’t willing to revisit. My heart raced as they began to sing the familiar songs, and utter the same prayers, more often than not my siblings and I said our mother’s name out loud in the prayers, almost a force of habit. Needless to say after the first couple of nights, we managed to fall back and not be in the room during the prayers. In the same way we found comfort in not standing in the room during the viewing. It all felt too familiar.

My grandmother was buried on the 1st of August, 9 days after she passed. Again, as a family we gathered and paid our last respects. As sad as it is that she is now gone, at least she is not suffering, more than that, it comforts me to know that she is with my Mother and they’re taking care of each other.

After being in Blog hiatus for over six months, here I am. Though in all fairness I did write an extensively long one in April that was conveniently erased during system maintenance, which was rather convenient. Perhaps there were things there I wasn’t meant to really say out loud.

To say that a lot has changed in six months would be an understatement, it feels like the last few months has been this test of endurance, that at times I wasn’t sure I was going to survive let along conquer… but months later, I can safely say that all is well and certainly getting there.

I realised that last year was spent merely surviving each day as it came, that it was all about being able to just get up in the morning and just putting one foot in front of the other, and being seemingly okay, and put together. Imagine my surprise when I realised that whatever strength I hid behind had reared its ugly head because I hadn’t dealt with all that had happened all those months before. All of a sudden I felt lost and lacking of direction, dreams and ambition lost for a moment, that whatever faith I had anchored myself on began to waiver. After months of self analysis and working through my own brain, HUZZAH breakthrough has come. There were things I needed to work through in my own time and in my own way, and though I know there is some way to go and I will forever be a work in progress, I know myself a lot better than ever before.

I definitely think I am going to love being in my thirties… Val made me laugh the other day quoting from Suddenly Thirty referring to my upcoming birthday, ‘Thirty, Flirty and Thriving’, now I don’t know about the Flirty part, but I am definitely in the foot of thriving, slowly and surely.

So much has change in many months, relationships have shifted, expectations have altered and there are certain boundaries within myself that I have set and will not cross.

I have a great handful of girlfriends who in one way or another I am in touch with regularly, and they’re the ones I do life with. Some I see often, some not at all, but in some form or another they are a part of me. I have grown to learn the importance of my girlfriends, and the variety that each bring to my life. The fun, the laughter, the dinner dates, the chats… the retail therapy! You know who you are!

Tonight we celebrated my sister’s birthday… again! We celebrated last night (Monday) because I was working on Tuesday night (tonight). In the end, I ended up joining them at this dinner too. I came to my sister’s last night with every intention of staying the night, pre-empting an EMOTE session with my sister, as you do on certain occasions of your life that you long for your Mother. Unfortunately, after hanging out with the nephew, also known as Alex (the Kitten) King of ‘the DUMP’ my allergies kicked in. Eyes watery, face puffy, struggling to breathe without the wheezing, you name it, I had it last night. So we made a necessary trip to a late night Chemist, and because it was so bad, I took two instead of the one prescribed. Needless to say I was asleep a couple of hours later, therefore missing the moment, which was more than likely a good thing. Sorry Ats, I didn’t mean to abandon you last night.

Fully medicated, waking up this morning was a bit of a struggle and keeping awake throughout the day even more so. Violent allergic reaction or not do you think that my darling nephew kitten cared??? No, or course not. It gave him more of a reason to climb all over me and sleep all over me. All day that’s all he did. Bonding Schmonding, that cat knows he’s cute and he knows which suckers to use it on. So once again I am fully medicated. You gotta love it. I finally get a nephew and I’m allergic to him.

My sis and I have a joint birthday party on the 12th of July, and the exciting part is that my cousin’s from Melbourne will be there too. It’d be nice to have all of us together again. We caught a glimpse of how much we all missed each other when we went to Melbourne for Bernadette’s 18th in February. It’d be great to have all of us in one room again, along with all the craziness involved in that. It’ll be great to hang out with my nieces and nephew. I have made numerous trips to Melbourne in the last year and a bit, and it’s mostly to hang out with my cousins. I am back there again at the end of July with Jes as we are going to watch Wicked… yay! It’s safe to say I now know all the words to the Musical. I am sooo looking forward to it. I have a couple of weekend trips before South Africa, and it’s weird to see just how fast time has flown by.

Both the Brother and the Sister went away a couple of weeks ago, leaving me orphaned for about a week and a bit, leaving me to my own devices. So let me send a shout out to my girlies who kept me company throughout that week, the lunches, the dinners, the movies, the coffees, the talking, the shopping, I am grateful…. Thank you Tita Pat for picking me up, dropping me off, picking me up, and dropping me off =)

Having them not around just made me realise even more how much the three of us have grown as a Unit and to have one missing was hard enough, but to have both seemed just wrong. I’m glad they’re back.

High lights wouldn’t do it justice to all that’s happened these last few months…

At work I have transitioned into my permanent night shift roster, which hasn’t been too bad as I have at least regained some control over my schedule instead of the whirlwind it was jumping from one roster cycle to another. Being a night owl helps a lot… but as much as I am enjoying this place, it’s wearing thin. Customer Service is not my dream job. So I have decided to re-apply to my old course at Macquarie University, post grad in Special Needs (Intervention) 0-3yrs old. I was reminded recently as to where my heart truly was, and it certainly isn’t in finance having to deal with financially inept bozo’s ready to abuse you for their lack of brain activity.

For a moment I had considered a Working Holiday Visa to Canada, but the more I thought about it, as alluring as it was, it would merely be another form of escape, and I wasn’t up for starting all over again. I am finally enjoying myself, and settling back, beginning new friendships, setting down roots, making long term plans, etc. I remembered what I have known from the moment I made that decision to jump back on a plane home, that it was time, and this is where I am meant to be. At least for the foreseeable future.

I am extremely thankful for certain girlfriends, and one or two guy friends in my life that God has placed as guideposts and accountability partners, who are more than willing to listen to my bouncing off ideas, and question my motives if need be, for pointing out the direction to a road I may have forgotten I wanted to take.

This year is a big birthday year, I am turning thirty, Ate is turning thirty five and Kuya is turning forty, and to say not having Mom around to celebrate these milestones, well, it just goes without saying doesn’t it. The thought of celebrating your birthday when the person who birthed you isn’t there to share the occasion, seems wrong.

It’s hard to believe it’s the second birthday we’re going to celebrate that she won’t be there to cook pancit for long life, make tray loads of spring rolls. Be there to shop with for the birthday outfit. Stroll the malls for the sake of window shopping. But most of all, she’s not going to be climbing into my bed at midnight to wish me a Happy Birthday and stay there for a couple of hours before heading back to her own bed. If she was working or I wasn’t home, the midnight phone call will come through and more often than not it was her…it’s the little things. The care package from home when I was away…the list is endless.

Lately, I have been dreaming about her more and more and I realise it is the season, seeing as it is nearing our birthdays. Recently I dreamt of her, and she was so real that when I woke up and realised I had dreamt it all, I cried because for a fraction of a moment, I had forgotten it was real. That she was gone.

The month of July is crazy… I am off more than I am on at work, which makes for a good month I say =) with the extra couple of days I have off before the birthday celebration to hang out with my cousins, and the couple of extra days for Melbourne, and for the Sunshine Coast for Bek’s wedding, well I have two weeks in that frame where I work a full four day week. SCORE!!! I sooo can’t wait for WICKED.

So that’s it for me, I’ll try and blog more often, update all on the latest haps, but I make no promises. May was a whirlwind of events, as was June, and from what I can see, July will be too… oh well, that’s what makes it fun!

It’s been awhile since the entry. My last entry being just before the New Year, and it wasn’t for the lack of trying. I think I must have started ten posts in the last few weeks, and never got to finish them. Easily distracted, and just lack of inspiration I guess. So many thoughts not enough drivers.

Well I am please to say that we now have a new addition to the family… Mags, my Macbook. My companion and new best friend. We’re rarely apart these days. We tight! It is for her that I am able to write this blog whilst on the train home, which certainly makes the an hour and a half train ride worth it.

So what’s new in the New Year? So much, yet not so much.

I have to admit that I looked forward to the New Year with anticipation. It was like a brand new year. A new beginning. My Mom has been gone for over a year, and we have spent the last year surviving the worst moments of our lives, and not with a New Year ahead, it seemed like there was a promise of hope, a hope for a life less sad.

Not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my Mother, or that I don’t think of her. As I am sure it goes for my siblings and my Aunts. However as her first year anniversary passed, there was a sense of release, at least for me. I know that Mother would not have wanted any of us to live less than the life she had envisioned for us and was proud of.

Whilst it was great to see everyone on the regular basis, I felt it was time to cease the 11th family gatherings. So much has changed and continuing the, and I use the term loosely ‘tradition’ no longer deemed appropriate. I will always be grateful for the opportunity we had to hang out more often than we ever would have, but it’s been a year, and though the 11th will always be significant to my siblings and I, as well as the Aunts we too must move forward. The bonds created out of those monthly gathering will only withstand with those who embraced them for what they were, and not as obligations, therefore, those bonds will outlast the monthly get togethers we will no longer have. For those relationships I am grateful.

I feel like the last couple of months I have been forced to grow up, more than I ever thought possible after my Mother passed away, but in a way, it was like a gift from my mother. In the last couple of months, I have learned the importance of family, and how grateful I am for who I have around me. Wholeheartedly and sincerely. Who despite the craziness, has understood the deeper meaning of circumstances instead of taking them on face value. Who has stood by me, my siblings, my Aunts, who in the most important of ways have become our surrogate Mothers. There to listen to my daily ramblings, and what nots. Who take care of us so selflessly as though they were our own. I have learned I guess who’s who in my life.

As I sat at the dinner table at my sister’s place, with my siblings + 1 (my in-law). I knew that THIS was my family. From cradle to grave, my sister and my brother are the only one’s who are there for me without a shadow of doubt, without question…and it goes beyond the family obligations and bloodlines, yes that does have a lot to do with it, but my Mother had brought us up in such a way that despite our faults, annoyances with each other, the three of us will always take care of one another. That we as my brother pointed out on Sunday are a ‘UNIT’… I think at that point we all realized we are a UNIT.

Though my brother is not one for many words, his presence in my life is immeasurable. We have gone from co-existing in the house to a some sort of partnership that I always hoped we would grow up into having. He takes care of me in so many ways, and though I often joke that he is RAIN MAN (and he so is on so many levels) he is the brother that looks out for me, and for my Ats. That if we ever truly needed him, he would be the first to give every thing up to make sure we were okay. My brother, just like my Mother is the type who will buy you something you want because you want it if he can. That’s he go without buying something for himself to buy you something. He has a silent generosity that I have learned to appreciate in the time I have been living with him 24/7 for the last year and a half. Not to say he isn’t a pain in the butt on most days… coz he is! Begging for internet airtime is a common occurrence in our household =)

My sister has always been my partner…though she has the tendency to Baby me at the time demand I grow up (so much like my mother), she is the one I call first and always had. We are sisters in every sense of the word. When both of us are on the same cycle… look out! But aside from my mother, she has been my biggest supporter, encourager, and reality thermometer. Without her strength, and head for responsibility we would not have survived this year. She has taken full responsibility of everyone, just as my mother would (with the same bossy-ness may I add) and her intentions are always good.

The three of us have our own strengths, our own abilities that was nurtured as we grew up. Certain roles we grew into as a result. But the drumming of my mother’s voice of ‘Family comes First’ has resonated so deeply within our hearts…that it is what has enabled us to endure the worst year of our lives. Never would I have imagined how true my Mother’s words would be, certainly not when I rolled my eyes as she spoke them, but my how true they are. God gave us an awesome gift of a Mother who was in no means perfect and flawless, but she loved us with all that she could, and she imparted the most important lesson that will carry us for the rest of our lives… that it is only your family who stand with you through the deepest of valleys and highest of mountains.

Who would have thunk it? It stuck!

There are some people in my life that has long since transitioned into family, and they know who they are. For them, I am grateful. People who know which days are significant without being told, who are just there at the right time, who happens to have a radar at the most appropriate moments. Who are a part of my every day life in some form or another. Who know me.

There are also people in my life who for one reason or another, are no longer around. A part of me felt like I was mourning them too this year, but as the cliche goes, there are people who are in your life for Seasons, Reasons and Lifetime. For those whose season has passed, I thank you for what you had brought to my life.

2008 began with my beloved family standing in our front lawn watching the fireworks. As we had done for many years, with only my Mother as the missing piece. Though it was hard, the urge to cry had been reduced to a sad sigh.

The days that followed were full of hope. As the New Year had emerged, so did a lot my mindsets. I was and I am determined to make this year a different year. Last year was all about SURVIVAL, this year is about restoring old dreams, looking forward to the new, and just enjoying what it ahead. I know who I am and what I am not willing to stand for or compromise. I know who my family is and who my friends are. I know what I want, and I know that God has planted dreams in my heart that I have yet to acknowledge, and old dreams that I have been reminded. All I know is that I’m excited for the year ahead.

With a trip to South Africa, London and Greece in the pipeline, I cannot help but be excited. Not to mention a few friends from London are scheduled to visit only months apart from each other. So much to look forward to.

This year is going to ROCK!

that we survived the first year anniversary. i wish i could say the same for the aftermath of what had unfolded…but it all remains to be the proverbial elephant in the room *cooks shrugs her shoulders in acceptance*

after a late night on monday, none of us were exactly wanting to do anything extensive, therefore the trip to berrima was postponed for another time. we spent time at the cemetary and headed to the city to do last minute shopping with aunty esty, all of us present slipping in and out mentally thoughout the day. there was like an impending doom hanging over my head, and i’m sure my siblings, it was like that night meant it was real. for days we had all been living our own personal torturous re-enctaments of the events from the year before. emotions were erratic and highly sensitive.

as people began to arrive it was like being transported back to that first night of prayers at the house, and all the emotions seemed as fresh as they were that first night. the whole time i felt like all the walls were closing in on me and i couldn’t breathe. uncontrollable tears brought me back to a place where i didn’t want to be. everything hurt all over again. whatever we learned to numb over the last months had managed to strip away in that one night. like someone had ripped off the bandaid and realised that the wound was not completely healed as yet.

as selfish as it sounded, i didn’t want to do the formalities, and address anyone. i didn’t want to deal with anything and all i wanted to do was scream the whole time. for so many reasons, and no reason at all. even my siblings and i were all on separate pages that night, dealing with the day in our own way. there were endless responsibilities i threw up in the air that night in defeat. i should have been a better host. i should have catered to my mom’s friends, i should haves…. there are so many, and i just couldn’t. i just didn’t want to. with the excruciating pain of acknowledging the loss again and all the other things that came to pass, i just didn’t want to!

a major shout out to my posse who in their unfailing love were just there. despite how unreasonable, highly strung and sensitive i had been days prior, they were there front and centre. not only for me, but for my family. always a phone call away to run last minute errands. thanks guys. they were there to sit with me at the front of my house as i cried endless tears. the four of us huddled at the front of my house on the ground must’ve been a sight to see, but there they were. my friends, my sisters, heart and soul… for you guys i am eternally grateful. thank you for being there for me in every essence of the word, knowing what i needed and just being there. i don’t know what i would have done without you guys in my lifetime, this last year especially, as for that night…. i am grateful that god had equipped me with you guys who fight for me when i don’t have enough  strength to even stand up.

i can’t believe that it’s been a year. i have walked into her bedroom more times in the last week than i had the whole year in total, which in it’s own way was therapeutic, but i think the unspoken words of ‘we’re not ready to change anything in there’ has been established.

this year has been tough, in every possible way. we’ve all been forced to grow up in a way. in the worst possible way, and though we are getting there, there will always be the void that we will never be content in having. this past year has been about mourning and healing. as the year draws to a close, it feels like that there were so many things this year that i have had to mourn for. closures necessary and inveitable.

it was nice to have aunty esty here. as sad as the reason was. not to mention similarities between her and my mother sometimes left me pausing for a moment. especially when she’s walking around in her ‘duster’, socks, slippers and all. she makes the same noises my mother made, and during this period, it was almost comforting.

aunty esty attempted to cater to all our needs. she cooked meals, hemmed my pants, ironed clothes, all things that if my mother was around she would not have gotten away with. i know in her own way she was trying to make it less like ’someone’ is missing. not to replace, but to ease the inevitable pain she sees through us.

we’re fortunate that our mother left us with our aunts…. both who have selflessly adopted us in addition to their own brood. especially tita pat who has spent most of this year making sure that my brother and i are surviving. providing the ’mother-y’ things we may need. so to the both of you, we are grateful…. but you don’t need to worry about us so much anymore. we’re getting there =) surviving this year would not have been the same without you.

to my cousins who never missed an anniversary dinner/lunch and who are there at a drop of a hat if we need them. ate lei and cynt for consistently checking in. your phone calls and shout outs mean lots!

to my siblings who are walking the same torturous path of grieving… despite our differences and normal sibling tiffs, without you both, i would be lost. in your own ways you give me strength. you’re my guideposts. despite appearances, i lean on you both and look to you often for where i should be.

to the in-law, whom i don’t really see as often these days, yes yes my fault…. blah blah! thank you for the support you provide for the sibling in question. i know without you, said sibling would be lost. she draws her strength from you and for that i am grateful.

christmas is next week, and it so does not feel like christmas at all. perhaps it’s the circumstances that has now plagued this time of year, or the mere busy-ness of life. who knows. the tree is up and the lights have been hung, and the spirit cannot be found. perhaps it’s because of the void we feel. i certainly hate christmas shopping more than ever before, and realising that i will no longer be doing it with my mother anymore, makes it that little less appealing. our christmas season was always spent shopping together for everyone’s presents, christmas outfits, christmas feast, my decorating the tree and her watching and pointing at where i missed a spot. i even miss wrapping all the presents she would buy, which is something i grew to hate over the years. looking back, i realise just how much i did share with my mother, and i know how lucky i am that i had that. which makes it that little bit harder to know she’s no longer around.

what i want for christmas, more than anything else…. is for the tension to be dissolved. so many things were just blown out of proportion in the last week, and i can’t stand it. haven’t we all already lost so much? i know i have, and having to be in the middle of whatever this is makes me tired, frustrated and sad. sad that i managed to play a part in fracturing what is already a fragile dynamic. maybe it’s silly and childish to wish things as they were…. but they have to be better than what it has become.

*sigh*